:: The Center of Happiness ::

Dear Treasured Traveling Companions,

I have always wanted to be one of those people who could who could think up really cool names for things, like a hair salon named “Curl Up and Dye”.

I stumbled across a wonderful organization/website with an equally wonderful name, Soles4Souls.org, and even better, they offer an amazingly easy way to give.

They have a simple mission: to impact as many lives as possible with the gift of shoes. We are partnering with charities and governments around the world to provide a basic (yet indispensable) gift that most of us take for granted. Whether shoeless kids in Guatemala, or people shoeless because everything they owned burned in the recent Southern California fires, there are souls who need soles.

You can help them in many ways: donating your own shoes, donating cash for freight, hosting a shoe drive, or even donating your time as a volunteer.

Cool, huh!

If you can’t spare the cash, you may be able to spare a pair of shoes.
On the road to happiness it is a little easier to maneuver if you have them.

And, you get to experience that warm feeling from having done something meaningful. They call that happiness.

In Joy,
Rhonda

Can you imagine happiness? Can you imagine a Circle of Peace?

I was interviewed by Tina Carey on KGEM-TV in Monrovia, CA, recorded for an upcoming broadcast. It gave me the opportunity to explore with Tina and her viewers ideas about happiness, and the power of the Circle model of leadership as a way of providing and fostering key ingredients of happiness, connection and acknowledgment.

With the afterthoughts of that conversation bubbling in me, I visited my computer this morning to attend to emails overdue. In my inbox I found that dear friend had sent me the invitation to visit: http://www.imaginepeace.com/towerabout.html. I was touched by this clip, and felt compelled to share it with you, because to me it demonstrates the power connecting with a common intention of peace and happiness.

(more…)

Rhonda’s reflections:

Okay, okay. I know I’m supposed to promote myself on my blog about ons, filters and habits and how each of those aspects of the coaching process impact the results they are ngs and cars but no people.

T: Had it been raining?

P: Not sure - I guess it might have been.

T: So there were puddles?

P: I guess there could have been puddles.

T: And, I’m just guessing here, might there have been fish in
those puddles?

P: Wow - I suppose there might have been…

T: (triumphant) Ah ha! Just as I suspected - fish in the
dreams!

While most of our own biases are not so obvious and don’t seem so silly (at least to us), the point is that if you’re listening for something specific, you’ll tend to find it. Listen for
hesitation in the voice of your partner and boom, you’ve “caught” him lying to you. Listen for warning signs of trouble in your relationship and before you know it, they’ll be
everywhere.

The problem isn’t so much to do with what you’re listening for, but what you’ll miss by listening for it. Whether it’s the affection in your partner’s voice, the look of love in her eyes or the sadness in your child’s heart when they’re telling you about their day, if you’re looking too hard for something else, you’re liable to miss what’s actually there.

As Abraham Maslow once said, “To the man who only has a hammer in the toolkit, every problem looks like a nail.” But when you expand your listening pallet, you will be able to hear more and more.

2. Listening to the voice inside your head vs. Listening to the other person

Have you ever had your best “go ahead - I’m listening” face on while inside your head you’re saying to yourself something like “oh my god I can’t believe they’re telling me this for the nine millionth time will they ever learn what day is it today is it Tuesday I wonder if there’ll be something good on television
tonight…”?

As you may have noticed, when we get caught up in our internal dialogue, we not only lose track of what the other person is saying to us, we often lose the plot altogether. Yet most of us habitually go inside our heads while “listening” in order to formulate our response to what is being said. This is roughly akin to looking for your keys inside the house instead of out in the street because the lighting’s better in your house. If the
keys are outside, you won’t find them on the inside no matter how well illuminated things may seem.

3. Listening hard vs. Listening easy

“Purpose tremor” is a phrase which describes the slight shake most people notice in their hands when they first try to thread a needle or remove the shin bone in a game of “Operation”. Simply put, our muscles work better when we’re not trying so hard to make them work better.

What’s sometimes less obvious is that the same thing is true with our listening:

*It’s easier to hear what’s really going on with other people when we’re not trying so hard to listen to them.

When you listen to another person speaking the way you might listen to pleasant background music (the kind they play on “easy listening” stations), things will often jump out at you which turn out to be the keys to unlocking whatever is going on for that person.

And when you learn to listen to yourself in the same way, it becomes easier and easier to separate out your own mental chatter from the still small voice of wisdom within.

——————–
Today’s Experiment:
——————–

1. Choose a few non-crucial conversations to experiment with this week and notice what you can notice about your own habitual listening filters. Are you listening for problems or opportunities? Holes in their argument or openings for resolution? What they’re saying with their words or what they’re communicating with their feelings?

2. Just for this week, play with turning down the volume on the voice inside your head when you’re listening to someone else speak. Notice how much more you hear, and whether or not this actually does make the other person feel “heard”.

3. Practice “easy listening” this week - listening the way a tape recorder or film camera might do it. No effort involved - just allow the words to come in pass right through with nothing on your mind and no agenda for what you do or don’t want to hear.

Bonus Experiment:
Practice “easy listening” to your own internal dialogue this
week and discover what you can discover.

(c) 2007 Michael Neill/All Rights Reserved

Dear Treasured Traveling Companions,

I am writing this from Southern California
with ash still raining from the sky as a result
of the devastating fires that surround me in
Long Beach as I visit my three grandsons. To
the north is Malibu, to the south is Orange
County and San Diego, and to the east are the
fires in Lake Arrowhead and the forests of San
Bernardino County. The creepy orange glow
of the sun struggles to be seen through the
already too smoggy LA basin. How can there be
happiness knowing tragedy haunts so many.
And yet, if we are willing to see, positive things
can emerge even amidst such heartache and
challenge. From the ashes rises the Phoenix.

Just a couple of days ago before the fires had
made any progress toward containment I had
the opportunity to attend the afternoon session
of the Women’s Conference 2007, a day devoted
to honoring women hosted by Maria Shriver.
Here women gathered for a day of empowerment,
inspiration, acknowledgment. The meaning of the
day expanded as together we imagined ways to
provide relief for affected families. Together we
reflected on them, loosing their homes, jobs, and
life as they had known it, and attempted to vision
resilience for new beginnings. What we focus on
expands, and so we visioned peace and courage
for these families, and the safety of those risking
their lives to fight the fires.

It was amazing to hear the powerful presentations
of women such as Maria Shriver, Jamie Lee Curtis,
Linda Ellerbee, Nora Effron, and Nobel Peace Prize
recipient and activist Jody Williams. Distributed
were the Minerva Awards. The Maria Shriver Minerva
Award features Minerva, the Roman Goddess of
war and wisdom.

According to mythology, with her helmet on,
Minerva is a tireless warrior; without it she is the
goddess of peace. Today, women are warriors in
their everyday lives who nurture, protect and
fight for the people and causes they hold dear.
In her endeavors, Minerva embodies the qualities
of courage, wisdom and strength.

It was equally as powerful learn more about the
recipients of this award as it was to overhear the
conversations of ordinary women while standing in
line awaiting to be inspired. In a way, it was as touching
to hear these informal circles of women sharing from
their heart and imagining outside the box the ways
that they might be of service to those who were
experiencing loss in the surrounding communities.
Through contributions of time, energy, and money
and informal commitments made, a day devoted to
honoring women altered it’s focus to include offering
relief to the fire victims. Happiness honed by heartache
teaches us that we are all one and connected in some
way.

This conference is an event I will now plan to attend
each year, and many women there had already made it
an annual ritual pilgrimage. To hear/see clips of this
year’s conference, and years past, visit:
http://www.californiagovernorsconference.org/.

Every day I get the spot-on email messages from T.U.T., Notes from the Universe. Seldom do my fingers reach for the delete button when they arrive. They always snap me awake before I completely nod back off into old familiar stuck spots.

“Sweep the floor. Clean the slate. Pick a date. Window shop. Buy a few things. Go out on a limb. Rearrange the furniture. Pick some flowers. Take some time off. No, no. Not necessarily because the tipping point has been reached… But because this is how you reach it.”

– TUT, Messages from the Universe, Andy Dooley

Yesterday, even though I was with a dear and inspiring Heather Flannagan, working on a collaborative project in an absolutely beautiful setting, I was dragging my feet. I just didn’t have the spark. I couldn’t quite identify the lull in my enthusiasm, but I suspect I was thinking too much and judging what I perceived to be my non-steps.

It’s just fine to sit on the pity-potty for a while, constipated by false thoughts of ‘not-enoughness’. Just don’t get tempted to hook up cable, order pizza, and hover long enough to get a ring you know where. That victim role can feel cozy. “Cozy?” you say? Yes, cozy. It feels familiar, therefore comfortable, even though it feels crappy.

Hmmmmm.

More…

I didn’t settle into it or attach myself to the sinking ship. Instead, I kept moving and raised my awareness a notch. I didn’t fight it, I merely noticed the quality of my thoughts. Nor, did I chase them away, for giving them attention invites them to stay. I watched the clouds above my head. They pass, too. Good clue. I breathed in the air that pushes them along and soon felt that I was a delightful part of it all. No worries were worth having. I felt more accepting and at peace by my exercise of accepting what was, shifting my attention, noticing and allowing with each breath.

Happiness is more than big belly laughs, loud squeals of joy, and good things coming our way, although these are yummy reflections of joy, too. Wise happiness has a more elegant and subdued appearance. She arrives as a deep content and knowing even amidst turmoil. This shadowed face of joy reminds us every moment is one that transforms, so is worthy of celebration, too. Such happiness reveals an acceptance and trust that is surprisingly sustainable and brilliant because it is honed to shine through our sorrows and low spots. If you are willing, you become fortunate. Like magic you then become able tosee new possibilities. From this vantage point you can recognize and appreciate happiness even in moments like these.

Emotionally gray days bare gifts, as well. Although not my clearest day yesterday, I did have an insight. As much as I complain about not having enough time, I am the one who chooses how it is spent. I am the one who allows myself to be pulled off course, consumed by a T.V. show or a candy bar rather than taking a walk or writing in your journal. I am the one who gives time away. Old habits die hard when seen from the eyes of a victim, and many of us would rather be right than happy. Oh yes, and that would sometimes be me.

Sticky and gooey. It seems to be fear that holds me back. Call it by any name. It can be the fear of failure that is really the fear of success. It can be the fear of the unknown that is really the fear of not being in control. Flush! Deep breath, for “When fear knocks and faith answers, no one is there.” (Old English Proverb)

So, what if I am a creator who can influence the outcome by simply keeping eyes forward, acting as if, and leaning in the direction congruent with my desires? When perched on the slippery slope, how can I shift from my attachment to the problems, and instead welcome the possibilities? This time, not from a judging place, I got a clearer peek that it would serve me more to adjust my focus, even in increments.

Each baby-step counts for each one can be the tipping point. I lovingly tugged myself little-by-little to what fuels my passions. The adjusted feelings prompted different thoughts. I refurbished my thinking to what fills my heart with joyful feelings and wallowed there instead. Then I let the magic happen, knowing that feelings sculpt the quality of my thinking, and what I focus on expands.

So, today will be a new adventure of baby steps. I will allow them to be playful, mindful, and a work-in-progress. First-things-first. I lean into what matters and make friends with time as I discern between what is truly important and what I only perceive to be urgent. I will place my focus on the horizon and even the heavens, rather than on the slippery slope of doubt. When I sturdy my steps here I can more consciously access the space between those pesky, polluted thoughts. I laugh at the gymnastics of my default thinking rather than lament it, and let the old thoughts go to be transformed. I choose instead to swim in the calm and silent spaces where I can drink in confidence and sun bathe in the knowing that I am wonderful just as I am, just as life is, rough edges, gray days, warts and all. Here I notice peace, and am propelled forward by the calling of my true direction. Today I climb out on a limb to celebrate what is. The view is good. Happiness is.

Summer came and swept me off on a delicious two month mix of a little work and volumes of play and took me from the top, bottom and to both coasts of the United States. On paper it appeared that in between drinking in my grandsons and attending the U. S. Social Forum I would have plenty of time to hide away for writing and reflecting. I thought I would clarify what direction I wanted to head after over a year of having been devoted to being available to my toddler grand-nephew as he traveled his healing journey from cancer. I thought I could balance three grandsons, two grand-nephews, visits to Alaska, California, and Georgia while reshaping my work. Oh, silly me! What was I thinking!!!

I spent wonderful time with my three grandsons, and then traveled with my youngest daughter and her two little ones to spend two weeks in Alaska celebrating Connor’s return from his year in Seattle and a bone marrow transplant as a result of leukemia. This was my primary goal for summer, to see this bald headed little Buddha back running free with a full head of hair in his own back yard. During this whirl-wind series of adventures, as eager as I was, there was no time to work, to think, to plan, to vision forward. I was in survival of sorts surrounded by the energy of several people under three-feet tall. Everything I had nursed along prior to this had to fall from the screen of possibilities. At first I resisted, and it soon became evident that it was wiser to surrender. Surrender guided me to letting go of the rigid vision I had planned to welcome the shape it was meant to take for greatest joy and sanity.

This intense experience gave birth to the opportunity to ‘love what is’, to celebrate the task at hand, to go with the flow, to be happy regardless of circumstances, to face each challenge and trust where each one would lead me. I also had to trust that I could handle it’s organic flow and I could choose to shape my attitude when I couldn’t control the circumstances.

This is birth, this is happiness. It is the moment-by-moment challenge of letting go of a plan in order to love what is. Dancing with unknowns opens the door to limitless possibilities. Life is a process, an adventure, a journey that often leads, with each contraction and push, to a belly-laugh beyond what we can imagine and, when we allow it, reveals an even deeper sense of our power.

Hello,

Rhonda here. I am with my grandsons (and my two daughters) in Long Beach. These three little guys are ages five, 16 months and 18 months. What a joy they are, and how meaningful to me to know that they recognize me and see me as a safe place to land in this sometimes crazy world. By choosing to live every moment fully with them I am way behind in postings and other writing. Balance is illusive, especially since they sahred a cold with me,but, today I feel the inspiration and energy to share, and it’s nap time.

“Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.”
— Braveheart

What are we waiting for? Many of us die until we die, rather than live until we die. So, if you’re going to die anyway, you’ve got little to loose and a lot to gain! And, the amazing miracle is that those who live until they die never die, only change form. They live on and on and on.

We look to other leaders, authority figures, or ones who have dared to live lively, thinking that they have all the answers and we don’t. Instead of using them for inspiration in shaping our own steps, we compare ourselves to them. We deem ourselves to be tiny and small, even lazy but safe, and let them do the living for us.

Yet, the truth is that we are all ordinary individuals who have extraordinary wisdom to share. Each grain of sand is essential to the beach’s beauty. Each of us, from our own life experiences, have gifts to share that can make the path easier, more enjoyable, and offer insight for another. Our success and contributions need not be big and flashy to be of equal or even greater value. They only need be given openly and authentically from the heart.

Moment of D’Light:
Today choose to live proactively, and awaken from your complacent slumber. Today allow your voice to be audible, and choose to live fully each moment until you die. We never really know when that moment will be. Now is the only real moment to have a ‘happily ever after.’ Dive in and live it fully! Joy is possible, even amidst challenging circumstances.

“If the only prayer you ever said was ‘Thank You’, that would be enough.”
– Meister Eckhart

Humble and authentic gratitude is indeed a powerful prayer. To be grateful for not only big things but for the simple blessings can carry us beyond challenging circumstances with a greater sense of contentment.

One of the greatest heartaches we feel is a lack of acknowledgement. Too seldom are we fully appreciated for our contributions and not often enough do we appreciate the gifts of others sent our way. Yet, it is these simple gestures that grows true happiness and expands our sense of worth. Gratitude, given and received, heals these wounds of ‘not enoughness’ and paves the path to a greater happiness. It is an essential key to happiness.

Gratitude must come from the heart and should not be offered as a way to initiate something being offered in return. The amazing thing is that when a heart-felt ‘thank you’ is given without strings, it magically offers a huge return. Giving really is receiving.

For a Moment of D’Light:

Today I offer thanks in abundance. I notice each kind gesture, big and small from the sweet scent of fresh flowers and an available parking space to business referrals or expensive gifts. I am grateful not only for the gifts and kindness I receive from others, but know it is important that I be grateful for myself, knowing and appreciating my worth.

RHONDA’ S UPDATE

Dear Ones,

If this journey has taught me anything, it is that life can change in an instant. Don’t waste a moment harboring resentments or trapped by anger and frustration. Acknowledge those feeling fully or they will revisit, and then choose the quality you want for the next present moment, for it is all you truly have. That is the power of NOW.

Alicia and Steve may feel cumbersome as they maneuver Connor’s path from fever-to-fever and from rash-to-feeding tube mishap, but indeed I see them being guided, willing to adapt to what is, and walking in grace. Steve is strong enough to accept guidance from Alicia, bending with her needs. He willingly gets up with Carson at night and soothes Connor with such tenderness and love. Alicia is so patient, and yet firm. She pulls inside to regroup after each seeming assault of unexpected circumstances, and then like a rock climber she reaches for her next grip. She remembers her foremost intention is to have a healthy son. That re-calibrates everything and somehow it allows her to set her sights on any silver lining she can find. Then, she insists that everyone around her do the same. We have all learned to dance together amazingly well and any upset slides off as if wearing a Teflon raincoat.

This is truly a journey where the next step doesn’t appear until you step (or are sometimes feel pushed) off the cliff. With each breath you are faced with a new choice point… do I give up, or do I live fully. Do I want to be right, or happy?

On Saturday of last weekend’s domino of events the reluctant sun of the Northwest was out and shining bright. Connor was curled up on the couch, very unhappy and withdrawn because of not feeling well and depressed by the upset from the feeding tube. How hard it had been on Friday for Alicia and Steve to hold this little guy down while awake for this uncomfortable and frightening procedure of shoving a tube down his nose.

Alicia has become a master of realizing the importance of milking joy from every opportunity. She motivated us all to get in the van and head for the La Connor Tullip Festival in a near by community. She felt that if Connor would feel lethargic no matter where we were, we might as well tuck him and his brother, Carson, safely in their car seats and head out to see fields of colorful flowers. As Alicia reminded me, we have ‘now’ and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. So off we went.

Connor perked up a bit seeing the flowers, horses, and kites from the window of the car. We even stopped at a beach where he could stretch his spindly little legs, and a smile came back to his face as he threw rocks into the water. He would point out rocks too big for him to manage that he insisted I throw into the water for him. Kerplunk!

Connor has birthed the gift of unity despite differences. He has taught us to remember and choose the things of true importance each moment. The outing brought me such joy, wedged for a day between the two boys in their car seats, drinking in Spring. Connor was content just to hold my hand and stroke my face as he enjoyed life passing by in that outer world. It was a delight to see everyone beyond the walls of the Ronald McDonald House, enjoying the fresh air, noticing the subtle beauties, and forgetting for a few minutes that this little boy is pushing his way through cancer.

Thank you all for your enduring support of this ever-so-sweet family. Please keep the prayers and positive thoughts flowing.

In Joy,
Rhonda
(Connor and Carson’s Aunt BoBo)

ALICIA’S UPDATE

Hello to all,

It feels like the last week has been one step forward and two steps back. On Sunday, Connor got another fever so it was off to the ER for the third time in four days. After another round of blood tests, they sent us home with no idea of the source. Thinking the trip to the ER was going to be our event for the day we came home and started to get ready for bed.

As Connor was taking his medicine, he gagged and threw up his feeding tube. I quickly called the doctor and she said that since we had already had a trip to the ER earlier in the day and that he had a doctor’s appointment Monday that we could leave the feeding tube out until Monday unless Steve and I wanted to try to put it back in ourselves. Although I have done MANY things over the last year that I never would have thought I would be able to do there was no way I was going to try to put his feeding tube back in. Leaving it out would be much less traumatic to both him and me.

On Monday, we went to see the doctors at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance to see if they had any ideas for what was going on. Connor saw Dr. Carpenter, a specialist on Graft Verse Host Disease (GVHD). He was almost positive Connor’s symptoms were GVHD related but was not 100% sure, so he scheduled Connor for a scope of his tummy and intestines plus a skin biopsy to see if it was indeed GVHD.

Not long after we arrived home on Monday from our busy day of appointments, Connors fever shot up to 104.7 degrees. This time he was admitted to the hospital so he could be monitored more closely. Connor had his scopes done on Tuesday afternoon and, aside from not being able to eat for the 24 hours leading up to the procedure, he came through everything just fine.

As we waited for the results, I was trying hard to determine exactly what I was hoping the results would be. On one hand, GVHD would mean a longer time on immune suppressive medication and a higher risk of infection but on the other hand, if it was not GVHD it could be something worse and at least the doctors know how to treat GVHD. All suspicions were confirmed when all the tests came back positive for GVHD. For those of you who don’t know GVHD is a condition in which transplanted immune tissue (the donors bone marrow cells) attack the tissues of the new host’s (Connor) body.

At first, I felt a sense of relief that we now know what is wrong but at the same time, I also felt disappointment and frustration. I wanted to go home so badly. As of right now it looks like we will be in the hospital for a few more days and then we will remain in Seattle for a few weeks until we know the medication is working and his weight increases. The doctors started him on a couple of the same immune suppressive medicines he was on last November so now we wait to see how quickly his body will start to respond.

Last week after the doctors gave us the OK to go home I felt uneasy about leaving, but was unsure whether I was feeling this way because I was leaving my “comfort zone” with Connor’s care and support system close by, or if it was because I was worried about his weight loss and rash. I prayed that God would help me to know if going home was the right decision to make at that point. My intuition was right and I am now certain that despite my desire to be home, this is the best place for Connor to be right now.

Steve has been down here for the last two weeks in hopes that we would all be able to return home together as a family. As much as we would all love him to stay here until it is time for us to go we know that it is not possible. Therefore, we will send him home on Sunday with the expectation of joining him very soon.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support as we maneuver through this bump in our journey.

All our love,
The Dunham’s
Steve, Alicia, Connor and Carson

Please Pray:
The new medicine will start to work quickly
Connors weight will improve
We will be able to return home soon

visit and donate at: www.connordunham.com

Alicia R. Dunham
5130 40th Ave NE
Seattle WA 98105
206-838-0707 Seattle Home

“During the years of Buchenwald and Auschwitz,” he said, “Matisse painted the most charming flowers and fruit that were ever made. That’s why today they still speak more eloquently than the most macabre description of the period. Their creator was faithful not to the tragedy but to the reaction that tragedy kindled in his conscience.”

– Source: Odysseus Elytis, translated by Theophanis Stavrou: Books
Abroad, Volume 49, no 4, Autumn 1975

It is so easy to react to the tragedies of life with despair and hopelessness, and then what we focus on generates more of the same. We must dare to step out of reacting to the disasters and detours and very consciously respond instead. If not, we are only compounding what is not working.

Despite the dark that seems to be so prevalent, transformation calls for us to commit instead to seeing beauty and positive possibilities. There is abundance that our focus on lack prevents us from seeing. If we are to transform war to peace and heal from the inevitable heartaches that are a part of life, we must adjust our perspective to see that love is the answer to every question. We must not deny darkness, but celebrate the light. In doing so, we expand the light that dissolves darkness

MY SHORT-CUT TODAY:
Today I focus on and notice the flowers, even in the cracks in the sidewalk. I am faithful to respond rather than react to tragedy and setbacks. In so doing I reveal and emphasize the beauty in life.